Welcome to my website

My Name is Garry Bagnell. I am 47 years old and I absolutely love watching Birds.

My main birding achievement was being featured in the hit BBC-4 documentary "Twitchers-A very British Obsession". It was broadcast TEN times and I loved the whole experience.

I do keep THREE Bird lists. The list I am most passionate about is my COMBINED BRITISH & IRISH LIST. My combined WEST & EAST SUSSEX LIST brings gives me a similar pleasure and can be found on the BUBO website. European family holidays have led me to keeping my third list, which is my WESTERN PALEARCTIC LIST. This list is kept on the NETFUGL website.

My website also contains a Blog, Twitching write ups, British & Irish Rare Birds Stats,Tweets on  my TITBITS page and Jokes

Also if you need to contact me my phone number is 07789 765163 or alternatively email me on [email protected] 

NOTE:- You will only see comments from me on Facebook, Twitter, Birdforum and.here (www.britishislestwitching.com Any rude remarks  or negative comments on other websites WILL NOT BE ME.  

 

Garry Bagnell Twitter

 

 

Summary of my Birding Life

1977 - Age 10 - Started watching birds in my parents garden, then went to local parks/ woodland. Become a YOC member. Went to the Crawley & Horsham RSPB group indoor meetings. They organised monthly outings, went on a few car & coach trips in the local area.

1981 - During my many bird watching trips I went to Arundel W.W.T. for a day’s bird watching with Mushaq Ahmed. He pointed out Peter Scott to me. I went over to chat to him and he kindly singed my bird book I had on me. On the 26th July I went to Gatwick Airport with a school friend called Martin Arter. I bought a Civil Aircraft Marking Book (CAM) and I spent the rest of the day ticking off planes in my CAM. I enjoyed it so much that I decided to give up Bird watching as Plane Spotting was going to occupy a lot of my spare time.

1989 - I remember watching the news and seeing lots of birdwatchers descending on Maidstone, Kent for a Golden-winged Warbler. I was thinking about going for it, but sadly never did. So I suppose this is now, my most sought after bird for my British Isles List. Will we ever get another chance?!

1990 - Bought a house with a girlfriend.

1992 - Discovered Birdline, and had another attempt at Birdwatching/Twitching. Restricted my Birding watching/Twitching to the Southeast of Britain. I also joined the local Crawley & Horsham R.S.P.B. group as treasurer. (Shame nobody mentioned the long staying '93 Blackpoll Warbler at Bewl to me, but the R.S.P.B. members I use to chat with weren't major twitchers).

1997 - Got married for the first time.

1998 - I resigned from the post of Crawley & Horsham R.S.P.B Group Treasurer after a 6 year period. I decided to Join two chess clubs:- Crawley & Coulsdon.

1999 - Whilst working at National Grid on a year’s contract, I met Neil Howes and he showed me his Nationwide Birding Notebook. I was amazed at how many birds Neil had seen and how far he travels to see them. It made me think if I should get back into Birding/Twitching and give up the Plane Spotting. For the time being I decided to juggle both hobbies. I went to Scillies for the first time (absolutely loved it) and during my 3 day stay I found a Richard's Pipit, Ortolan Bunting (very brief view) .My Dad died of cancer during the year, so my wife and I decided to move in with mum and and help her out financially.

2000 - Big changes were made to to my life this year. Gave up Plane Spotting (a hobby I had for 19 years), smoking (17 year addiction),left my first wife and gave her the house.

2002 - I met Kim in June and decided to give up playing competitive Chess as it was not fair to Birdwatch and spend weekends playing in Chess Tournaments. During my 4 year Chess career, I achieved a chess grade of 87 (BCF) and it was still rising. I also played Chess for Sussex in the U125(BCF) division. I also got 2nd and 3rd position in some Chess tournaments.

2003 - Got married for the 2nd time to Kim. Started to twitch Ireland...please don't mention the 2000 Blue-winged Warbler that now really hurts.

2004 - My daughter "Georgie" was born. New British Birds were becoming less and less frequent, so I turned my attention to local birdwatching, which started by listing the bird species I see at Weir Wood Reservoir.

2005 - This year on 3rd March a very good friend of mine died, his name was James Havers. He died at the age of 39, whilst eating a meal at Gatwick Airport with Birding friend Andrew Bashford. James was an exceptional good birdwatcher who spent much of his short life doing bird survey work in the Crawley and Horsham area. He took me to see many scarce breeding birds he had found in the region, and he also showed me a wintering Little Bunting found in Ifield Church, Crawley '94.

2008 - Started playing darts at the Fountain Pub in Roffey.

2009 - I formed a Darts Team at the White Knight in Crawley and I decided to stop playing at the Fountain. On the 2nd August my Mother sadly died from Cancer at St. Catherines Hospice. The 6th September my family & I left Rusper and moved into my Mum's house. Since then we have spent £40k on house improvements. During the year I was selected to be filmed for a BBC4 documentary called Twitchers- A very British tradition. (Should be televised on 3rd November 2010).

2010 - Twitchers: A very British Obsession was broadcast on the 1st November on BBC-4. The programme was about twitching birds in Britain and featured Brett Richards, Craig Family, Lee Evans and myself.

2011 - Seeing Sabine's Gull at Brighton Marina on the 15th September is my 300th BOU species for the combined West & East Sussx County List.

2013 - Seeing Wilson's Warbler on 21st September on Dursey Island, County Cork might turn out to be my 500th British & Irish Lifer (BOU/ IRBC basis).  This is dependant on Elegant Tern, Slaty-back-Gull, Alder Fly & Long-toed Stint getting accepted. I met up with a Washington Post journalist & photographer who met me and John Lees in Norfolk. He took photograhs of John and I enjoying my 300th British year tick (BOU), which happened to be a Shore Lark. The article was published in Denver Post, Washington Post and Sydney Morning Herald on Sunday 15th December. The article was portrayed how competitve birdwatchers are in the UK compared to the US.

 

Latest Updates

Jokes - Five Minute Management Course added 13th January 2012

http://garrybagnell.webs.com/jokes.htm

 

Long-toed Stint photo added 23rd January 2012 with a few words

http://garrybagnell.webs.com/11ltstinttwitch.htm

 

Newest Members

Website that reciprocate my website link

Sussex Ornithological society Best website in Sussex

Penny Clarke Penny's hot birding and life

Paul Herrieven Brough Birder

Ross Newham Bald Birder

Steve Nuttal Belvide Birding

MQ Spurn blog

Barry Hunt Barry Birder

Rob Stokes Kent birding adventures

Widerscope Nick, Seth, Danny & Sam

Michael Booker  Sussex Birders

Other good places to check out

Weir Wood  Friends of Weir Wood Official Site

Mark Reeder of birds & pies

John Hague Drunkenbirder

Pete Antrobus Pods World

Gunnar Engblom Birding Blogs

Mr Black Reservoircatz

Serious stuff

British Birds Official magazine of the BBRC

BBRC Official website

BUBO Popular listing website

Netfugl Western Palearctic listing

Surfbirds Great photos and forum

Birdforum Main discussion forum

Rare Bird Alert Best pager in Britain

 

free counters

Since 11th Feb 2012

 

 

5 Minute management lesson

 Lesson 1 :  

A priest offered a Nun a lift... 

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. 

The priest nearly had an accident. 

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg..... 

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' 

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.   The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' 

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.' 

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way. 

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.  It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.' 

Moral of the story:  
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity. 

Lesson 2 : 

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. 

They rub it and a Genie comes out.  The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'   

'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk..  'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world..'  Poof! She's gone. 

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in  Hawaii    , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas, and the love of my life.'  Poof! He's gone. 

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.  The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.' 

Moral of the story:  
Always let your boss have the first say. 

Lesson 3  

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. 

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'  The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.' 

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it. 

Moral of the story: 
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up. 


Lesson 4 

A turkey was chatting with a bull.  'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'   

'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull.  It's full of nutrients.' 

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. 

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.. 

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. 

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree. 

Moral of the story: 
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there....  
Lesson 5

A little bird was flying south for the winter.  It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. 

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. 

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. 

The dung was actually thawing him out! 

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.  A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. ..   

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him. 

Moral of the story:  
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy. 

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.

(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!     

Horse, a harley and a chicken

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.

One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.

Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!

Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm,  he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.

Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the  chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.

After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was  none the wiser when he returned.

The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!

The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.
Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thingy and he would then lift him out of the pit.

The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story??
(yep, you betcha, there is a moral!)




'When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks!

 

Are you insured for sex?

Are you insured for sex?
Make sure you get the correct insurance for the sex you are having.
Please find a list of companies below catering for most tastes.

Sex with your wife - Legal and General

Sex on the telephone - Direct Line

Sex with your partner - Standard Life

Sex with someone different - Go compare

Sex with a fat bird - More Than

Sex on the back seat of a car - Sheila's Wheels

Sex with a posh bird - Privileged

Sex with a transvestite - Confused.com

KNEELING HIGH JUMP WORLD RECORD JUST BEEN ACHIEVED



Are you aware that a new world record has been set for the HIGH JUMP
from a KNEELING position?
  

 

 



 

The record (0.757 meters) - remember this is from a KNEELING position  
was set recently on a beach near Montpellier in Southern France.   


  

The photograph below was taken a split second before the jump - but it gives
you an idea as to how it was achieved...


 


 


 

 

 

 

 

 




 
  I've always enjoyed sports trivia...        
 

 

The Indian With One Testicle

The Indian With One Testicle


There once was an Indian who had only one testicle
and whose given name was 'Onestone'.

He hated that
name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.


After years and years of torment, Onestone finally
cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone
again I will kill them!'

The word got around and nobody called
him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird
 forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.' He
jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into
 the forest where he made love to her all day and
all night. He made love to her all the next day,
until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.


The word got around that Onestone meant what
he promised he would do.

Years went by and no
one dared call him by his given name until A woman
named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being
away.

Yellow Bird , who wasBlue Bird's cousin, was
overjoyed when she saw Onestone.

She hugged him
and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest,
then he made love to her all day, made love to her all
night, made love to her all the next day, made love to
 her all the next night, butYellow Bird wouldn't die!
> >
 Why ???
> >
> > OH, come on... take a guess !!!
> >
> > Think about it !!!
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > You're going to love this !!!
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > Everyone knows...
> >
> >
> > You can't kill Two Birds
> >
> >
> > with OneStone!!!

 

A few quickies..

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning,
can you believe that 2:30am?!
Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.


I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl.
I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't get an
erection...
but she did!!!
 
 
The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum
cleaner.
F*ck me, talk about Dyson with death.
 


 
Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite?
All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.

 
 

 
Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a labrador."
"f*ck that" says Mick
"have you seen how many of their owners go blind"


 
Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead"
The operator says how do you know?
He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!
 
 

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the
biggest p*nis she had ever laid her hands on.
I said "You're pulling my leg"
 
 

 
I've just had a letter back from Screwfix.
They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating
agency.
 

 
 
A man walks into a welsh pub and orders a white wine spritzer.
The bar goes silent as everyone stares at him..."Where are you from?
You sound English", "I'm from across the severn," replies the man nervously.
"What do you do, just across the Severn?", "I'm a taxidermist."
"What on earth is one of those?", "I mount animals."
"Its alright boyos," shouts the barman he's one of us.


Spent £40 on ebay last week for a p*nis enlarger.
Just opened it and some bastard's sent me a magnifying glass!
 


I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!!
At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.
 
 
 
An old lady is being examined by the Dr. He asks have you ever been
bedridden?
she says yes I have and I've been table ended and backskuttled a few times
too
 
 

Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine
until he stuck his index finger up my arse!
Do you think I should change dentists?

Peter Kay stuff

Peter Kay One Liners

1)  I saw a fat woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it.  I said
'Thyroid problem?'

2)  When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I
realised that The Lord doesn't work that way,
so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.

3)  I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to
go swimming.

4)  I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't
get on with my real ladder.

5)  I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I
ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

6)  A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Bypass.
Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.

7)  Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names.
But one day I turned to my bullies and said 'Sticks and stones may break
my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it
was sticks and stones all the way.

8)  My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably
why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.

9)  S*x is like playing bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you
better have a good hand.

10)  I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour
said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'

11)  If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of
meat?

12)  I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and
give the wrong answers.

13)  You know that look women get when they want s*x? No, me neither

14)  Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from
things they don't understand, such as working for a living.

15)  I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

16)  Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think
I've forgotten this before.


PETER KAY'S UNIVERSAL TRUTHS

1)  Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.

2)  At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.

3)  One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your
pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.

4)  Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.

5)  You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have
a fire in your back garden.

6)  Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.

7)  You never know where to look when eating a banana.

8)  You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.

9)  The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at
the first given opportunity.

10)  Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way
through and then raced against the flush.

11)  Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.

12)  Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.

13)  Old ladies can eat more than you think.

14)  You can't respect a man who carries a dog.

15)  Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had
their arm broken by a swan.

16)  You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of
wood specifically to stir paint with.

17)  Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it
in a fruit salad.


SOME GREAT QUESTIONS BROUGHT TO YOU BY PETER KAY

1)  Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

2)  If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to
the core of the earth?

3)  Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

4)  Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your bottom?

5)  Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is
stand up and say, 'My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic'?

6)  Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

7)  Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

8)  Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for
centuries' have a 'use by' date?

9)  Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a
horrible crisp no one would eat?

10)  Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

11)  Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll
squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?

12)  What do people in China call their good quality plates?

13)  Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but
don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

14)  What do you call male ballerinas?

15)  Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?

16)  If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

17)  If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

18)  Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion
stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is
wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure.

Brains of Britain

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)

Jeremy Paxman:

What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'?

Contestant:

Homosexuals..

Jeremy Paxman:

No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you

 

BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)

Jamie Theakston:

Where do you think Cambridge University is?

Contestant:

Geography isn't my strong point.

Jamie Theakston:

There's a clue in the title.

Contestant:

Leicester

 

BBC NORFOLK

Stewart White:

Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?

Contestant:

I don't know.

Stewart White:

I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?

Contestant:

Arm

Stewart White:

Correct. And if you're not weak, you're...?

Contestant:

Strong.

Stewart White:

Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?

Contestant:

Louis

Stewart White:

Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World?

Contestant:

Frank Sinatra?

 

LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS )

Alex Trelinski:

What is the capital of Italy ?

Contestant:

France ...

Trelinski:

France is another country. Try again.

Contestant:

Oh, um, Benidorm.

Trelinski:

Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?

Contestant:

Sorry, I don't know.

Trelinski:

Just guess a country then.

Contestant:

Paris ..

 

THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)

Anne Robinson:

Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: - Prison, or the Conservative Party?

Contestant:

The Conservative Party.

 

BEACON RADIO ( WOLVERHAMPTON )

DJ Mark:

For 10, what is the nationality of the Pope?

Ruth from Rowley Regis:

I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?

 

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE

Bamber Gascoigne:

What was Gandhi's first name?

Contestant:

Goosy?

 

GWR FM ( Bristol )

Presenter:

What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?

Contestant:

I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.

 

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO? MANCHESTER )

 

Phil:

What's 11 squared?

Contestant:

I don't know.

 

Phil:

I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.

 

Contestant:

Is it five?

 

 

RICHARD AND JUDY

Richard:

Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?

Contestant:

Forrest Gump.

 

RICHARD AND JUDY

Richard:

On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?

Contestant:

Err. ... .....

Richard:

He makes bread ... .. .

Contestant:

Err .. ........

Richard:

He makes cakes ... .. .

Contestant:

Kipling Street ?

 

LINCS FM PHONE-IN

Presenter:

Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?

Contestant:

Barcelona ....

Presenter:

I was really after the name of a country.

Contestant:

I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain ..

 

NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)

Question:

What is the world's largest continent?

Contestant:

The Pacific..

 

ROCK FM ( PRESTON )

Presenter:

Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo da Vinci.

Contestant:

Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

 

THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)

Steve Le Favre:

What was signed, to bring World War I to an end in 1918?

Contestant:

Magna Carta?

 

JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)

James O'Brien:

How many kings of England have been called Henry?

Contestant:

Err, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth .. ER. ER ... Three?

 

CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL )

Chris Searle:

In which European country is Mount Etna ?

Caller:

Japan ...

Chris Searle:

I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.

Caller:

Err ........... Mexico ?

 

PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE )

Paul Wappat:

How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?

Contestant (long pause):

Fourteen days.

 

DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)

Daryl Denham:

In which country would you spend shekels?

Contestant:

Holland ?

Daryl Denham:

Try the next letter of the alphabet..

Contestant:

Iceland ? Ireland ?

Daryl Denham: (helpfully)

It's a bad line. Did you say Israel ?

Contestant:

No.

 

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)

Phil Wood:

What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?

Contestant:

Err... ..... ...

Phil Wood:

It's got two syllables . . . Kor .

Contestant:

Blimey?

Phil Wood:

Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . .

Contestant:

(Silence)

Phil Wood:

OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . ..

Contestant:

Walked?

 

THE VAULT

 

Melanie Sykes:

What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time?

 

Contestant:

Nostalgia.

 

 

 

 

LUNCHTIME SHOW (BRMB)

Presenter:

What religion was Guy Fawkes?

Contestant:

Jewish.

Presenter:

That's close enough.

 

STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)

Wright:

Johnny Weissmuller died on this day.. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loin cloth did he play?

Contestant:

Jesus.

 

 

If Tommy Cooper were alive today...

 

 

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, 'That's Aboriginal.' 
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This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster. 
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I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said 'Tenpin?' I said, 'No, permanent.' 
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I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?' The guy said, 'Do you want an aquarium?' I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is.' 
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I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best before End' 
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I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said 'Analogue.' I said 'No, just a watch.' 
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I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle.' The bloke said 'Kenwood' I said, 'Where is he then?' 
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My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bi-satchel. 
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I went to the doctor. I said to him 'I'm frightened of lapels.' He said, 'You've got cholera.' 
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I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, its P something T something R. 
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I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn't put it down. 
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I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on. 
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The recruitment consultant asked me 'What do you think of voluntary work? I said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.' 
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I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, 'You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana.' He said, 'No, this is for the custard.' 
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This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, 'I want you to trace someone for me.' 
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I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, 'Are you having me on?' I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything.' 
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I phoned the local builders today, I said to them 'Can I have a skip outside my house?' He said, 'I'm not stopping you!' 
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This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says 'Audi!' 
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I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo' He said 'You're closest' 
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I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said 'I careered off the road' 
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I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there. 
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I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts. 
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I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said 'Eurostar' I said 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin. 
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I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays.' 
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I went to the local video shop and I said, 'Can I borrow Batman Forever?' He said, 'No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow' 
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A waiter asks a man, 'May I take your order, sir?' 'Yes,' the man replies. 'I'm just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your chickens?' 'Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they're going to die.'